So it goes...

There is so much inside me talking. They are talking nonsense though. Most likely about emotion. Emotion is your friend. Emotion is your enemy. I am more of a friend though. In the end, they are my friends since they live inside me. They are like the small chipmunks sitting on my shoulder and keep trying to lead my life. I am an easy person. Very much easy to sway as I rarely have my own opinion. I like most things in general. Yet I realize I like beautiful souls the most haha. Who doesn't?

It's such a wonderful feeling to see the beauty of sunlight beaming through the leaves, the raindrop rolling on the window and the breeze caressing your face or just a leave falling from the tree, lying on that pavement waiting for you to pick it up. Isn't that magical to see a smile that warms your heart, to see the eyes that speak to you. I see that most in children as their souls are innocent and pure which radiates people around. And then I see that in adults too but the thing with adult is that it gets more complicated. Adults have rules and boundaries. We have that guard building up over the years that made us "stronger", "more mature" and the whole definition of how the world should run.

Protection is not bad. Every time I feel the pain in the chest, I want my guard so bad. I want my fast pain relief pill. It aches so much that you feel there is a physical pain inside. Too much drama. Silly woman, that's me. Then slowly comes the day that I actually talked to myself "well, you see how it ends. Why did you do that? Why wouldn't you be more of a wise one? People will look at you and see how pathetic you are. You are just desperate". Then the answer will always be "Yeah I know..." and then do it all again. And then also comes at a time when you realize there is a distinction between desperation and vulnerability. Desperation is doing it all for oneself's needs as you so want it, can't help it and have to act on it. Vulnerability is the feeling aftermath, that you don't hide from the fact that you are weak and "pathetic". You pick that up, cry over it and then pad on its shoulder and say "It's ok, it's ok..." I think that's how you become stronger in a sense of you know how that feels. How that feels to be deeply in love, how that feels to see the joy in other people's eyes, how that feels when someone cares for you,  how that feel to be good, how that feels to be right, how that feels when you meet someone who matters, how that feels that small things actually matter. Also how that feels to be betrayed, how that feels to betray someone, how that feels when someone does not reciprocate back, how that feel to be bad, how that feels to be wrong. And then you understand why people say "It feels so right how can it be wrong?". You feel the two sides of thing or maybe multiple sides...And it always hurts in the process yet it just happens. You can't do anything but to slowly open your hand and see the pain drifting through the fingers and see what's left. And then one day you wake up, it's a bright new day all over again...