Destruction

I was talking with a sister the other day that when we look at ourselves in the past, we both feel that we were so stupid. So so stupid and ignorant yet we felt so smart back then. But then we wouldn't hate ourselves back then so much as it put us at where we are now. There was a little destruction in between though and isn't that when we learn that we are not who we thought we were?

I like where I am now. Not too happy. Not too sad either. More sad than happy.

Emotion believe it or not is a friend. I watched them play everyday. Sometimes I find myself crying even in tadasana (standing posture) which I am glad because the emotion is not buried in me but bursted into tears like that. And then one day I realize that I was actually watching them, not acting on them. Then the other day I see myself back to the start line. I was trying not to judge my emotion. I mean I got angry easily when things don't go my way and I thought it was bad - which is judging. And then someday I thought "you are funny". By you I mean the anger in me, it was talking and behaving and making noise blah blah blah and I can see it through. Then just that little conversation everyday I have with myself made me see things clearer and grew to be more patient. I have a lot of that conversation going on in my little head. Gradually nothing is either good or bad. It's part of the process.

There was some happy moment like the other day when I was sitting in meditation I felt my breath traveling inside the body. It was so serene and relieved. I meant it was like the only thing I could hold on to. If you practice standing in tree pose with your eyes shut, you would know how it's like to hold on your breath. Even the thought that "focus on your breath" would make you fall. Just no thought at all and actually concentrate on your breath is all what you can do to keep you in balance. I grew addicted to practicing that everyday. Not everyday I could stand for long but who judge me but myself.

There are so much to contemplate on the old and the new, of reborn and such. Yet one must go through to see it and feel it and believe in the destruction. Once it happens, you can't stop the process. Just go with it and see it as close as possible.