I've been thinking about that lately as the way I saw it was that people were so cruel and I was so innocent. It was always on the other side and in the lense of a victim. It's so easy to victimize yourself and cry about it and keep thinking about it miserably.
But with all the endurance work, i never feel like i get out or this kind of behavior put on me will ever stop. Every day, every dawn a new person or a new event will just arise and slap on my smiley face to wake me up to reality. It's been on and on until i have to face it.
So there it was the truth. The truth is the cruelty would never stop and that life is all about misery. And there is no glamor around it. Or there is no "no pain no gain" attitude. I don't believe in that in the sense that you have to swallow the pain. The way I experience is that the pain or the humiliation or the inferior feeling will always be there. I can't get it out of the system. The more I experience it in work or in life tells me that these feelings are real and it can get ugly. I mean literally like it will show on your face. These feelings are not so bad in a sense that it made me a weak person. Because somehow it made me see the cruelty up close. I am getting to somewhere now but words fail me. I mean this is the reflection time so I am allowed to expose all the ugliness in me and I began to appreciate all that because it made me more a person on earth. I am not living here and walking in dreamy happy ever after life. Maybe maybe somehow life is a stage of feeling. Like all human on earth, we are equal in terms of race and ethnicity and such. So do emotions. I mean what if what we were taught and reminded everyday was a propaganda? There might be some truth to what everyone is talking about but at the end of the day it's my life, it's my call and it's me who made to decision to accept whatever may come or not come.
So back to it again, the bad emotions as we label it. Maybe the deal was to get me to explore the spectrum of my emotion and how far it can go and test it over and over again. I mean let's think about it. When someone asked you the hard question the first time, you get numb and can't even utter a word. But you know how embarrassed that was and that was the feeling you registered. And the next time when it comes around the corner, you may know how to handle it now. It's like an endurance test and a test that could build up your strength. So lets me say it, be a bitch unapologetically. The next time when cruelty rubs on your face, keep smiling. Stay true to your feeling yet embrace it.
But with all the endurance work, i never feel like i get out or this kind of behavior put on me will ever stop. Every day, every dawn a new person or a new event will just arise and slap on my smiley face to wake me up to reality. It's been on and on until i have to face it.
So there it was the truth. The truth is the cruelty would never stop and that life is all about misery. And there is no glamor around it. Or there is no "no pain no gain" attitude. I don't believe in that in the sense that you have to swallow the pain. The way I experience is that the pain or the humiliation or the inferior feeling will always be there. I can't get it out of the system. The more I experience it in work or in life tells me that these feelings are real and it can get ugly. I mean literally like it will show on your face. These feelings are not so bad in a sense that it made me a weak person. Because somehow it made me see the cruelty up close. I am getting to somewhere now but words fail me. I mean this is the reflection time so I am allowed to expose all the ugliness in me and I began to appreciate all that because it made me more a person on earth. I am not living here and walking in dreamy happy ever after life. Maybe maybe somehow life is a stage of feeling. Like all human on earth, we are equal in terms of race and ethnicity and such. So do emotions. I mean what if what we were taught and reminded everyday was a propaganda? There might be some truth to what everyone is talking about but at the end of the day it's my life, it's my call and it's me who made to decision to accept whatever may come or not come.
So back to it again, the bad emotions as we label it. Maybe the deal was to get me to explore the spectrum of my emotion and how far it can go and test it over and over again. I mean let's think about it. When someone asked you the hard question the first time, you get numb and can't even utter a word. But you know how embarrassed that was and that was the feeling you registered. And the next time when it comes around the corner, you may know how to handle it now. It's like an endurance test and a test that could build up your strength. So lets me say it, be a bitch unapologetically. The next time when cruelty rubs on your face, keep smiling. Stay true to your feeling yet embrace it.
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