Demon

I've been experiencing some other aspect of me recently.

I guess what yoga would call it is duality. I was not living in the moment at all. Most of the time I was just thinking something else. Evil, sad thing. Torturous thing. Kind of very negative vibe. Hence I would call it demon. It was wrestling over me and won me over in just a few second since I woke up. And when I sat in my meditation first thing in the morning, things got worse. All thought rose up and swept all over me and made me open my eyes just within 10 minutes. And in my practice, I was doing it mainly for the memory. When my mind got some free time, it was like a kid crawling out and making trouble. It was a terrible feeling because sometimes it urged me to do some stupid stuff. 

It was too much for me to handle and so I called up my friends for a drink. Not a drink but a few and I got the whole Saturday wasted. It was fun though and we got some great conversation on how we dealt with those negative feelings. One thing certain that when you have all that negative feelings inside, the emotion just got the best out of you, it's best to standby and do nothing. And I did the same thing. I was kind of being the doormat for my emotion and patiently watch it happen. In between, I was still asking the question that when would this be over? And when all the meditation would help? I've been sitting everyday for almost a year now and somehow nothing happened. No silver lining. Nothing at all. I mean, it's like the abyss that I am starring it again or a dark void that I kept starring in. It has no response but I was still drawn into. I was just struggling with the thought that it would bring some fruits! That is the idea that I feel so helpless and it doesn't bring anything at all. I am still confused as hell. 

But I could tell that I've been feeling better and somehow it's just passed. And even there is no scientific around this but I feel like the more i look at my lowlight, my darkside and my monsters, i will learn to live with them. Maybe i will start to understand them. It's really ugly though. I still feel so bad about those feelings though but on the other side, I also feel like these monsters just act out and they also need some care as well. The only care i know is to let them happen and feel them.