Turbulence

My weekend has been quite indoor. Eating in, cleaning the house, rearranging the books, watching TV and posting social. And then during one of movie there was a line that said looking inside is a tough job because you will see not only the beauty but also the ugliness in you as well. It is not the first time I heard it but it resonated so well and helped me ease the pain of what I see in myself these days. If there is one word to say I would call it evil. This time though I am not running away from the evil me. How evil was I? Well I see myself as the center of attention and that I wanted everyone to treat me special. I was just playing the main character and cant compromise to be the supporting role. I tried to save me from all the falls. I thought I was somebody but where that thought lead me to? It led me to dissatisfaction because everything in life just went out of my way. And then I've realized that I thought I was the one! Ha that thought made me realize so much. So much in the way my mind thinks but I was wondering why I catched the ugly me all the time? Was there any nice about me at all? So everybody suffers on the way they condemn themselves and on the way the other thought about them.

Lets back again about the line which made me realize why I was seeing the ugly me all the time. It was because I was diving in. It felt good now though as well I don't mind seeing the ugly me as long as I am diving in. I was doubting myself a lot. It seems like the way in is not as smooth as I thought it was. No halo, no lightning. It's dark and confusing and heart-breaking and is really a test of faith. 

Now back to the ugly me. I mean the evil was true. I am evil. And I am. There is no other way around it. But somehow I see it in another light. This time though the evil is me. I can't deny it or separate it from me. It's just me. I don't even know what that means but somehow it made me feel better or closer to earth. I am moving closer to one.